Squirrel Bait

And I am not making this up. I was on the phone with Ricardo at the time and he can vouch for how wigged out I was by it all.

So I am at my mom's still, helping out while she's recovering from her surgery (and she's doing really well which is awesome because I don't think I realized how worried I was before it all). And she lives in this amazingly fabulous brownstone in an undisclosed New England city (you do the freaking math). I didn't want to wake her yesterday so I decided to call Ricardo while sitting on her stoop which is something one does in said undisclosed New England city (it's simple math, people).

I've been really emotional lately because there is a whole lot of hideous shit going on on our lives above and beyond my mom's cancer and my job with feral third graders. So I really needed to connect with Ricardo because I was emotionally gelatinous yesterday morning (better today but still edgy, so Ricky turn on your damn cell phone already this morning!). So I sat on the stoop so we could chat.

And it was perfect weather, like the temperature of air conditioning, 70 and dry. And we're chatting about everything, what this year will be like, plans for his book, work for the summer, schedule for the Kid, yadda yadda, when I notice this cute little squirrel looking right at me. But it's a wild, city squirrel so I think to myself it won't come near me. Not that I am afraid of squirrels. I kind of like them. It's the series of rabies shots I fear. You know how I like those freakshow shows? Well I watched one about a girl who got rabies from a bat in her church and what happened to her and well all I can say is OMFG I do not want rabies.

So I ignored the squirrel and kept chatting. But then it started up the stairs. My mom's house has a lot of stairs. There are like 10 just to get to the front door. And the squirrel was warily but steadily making his way towards me. And looking at me with his beady little eyes. He'd scurry up a couple stairs and then turn sideways and pace a little and then come up some more. He was coming right for me.

So I stood up thinking that that would scare him. He bolted across the railing onto the matching stairs to the neighbor's house. I sat back down and thought that was the end. But it wasn't. The squirrelly bastard started peaking through the scroll work. And the next thing I knew he was back on my side.

I started to wig. Ricardo said throw something at him. But it's a city in an undisclosed New England location. Everything is fucking bolted down or people steal shit. So the best I could find were some dead leaves off a plant and a styrofoam bird in my mother's window box. So I threw the leaf because I didn't want to find that the window box came down. The fucking thing made a lunge at that point.

I swear it was headed towards my ankles. So I was the one running now. I ran down the stairs away from it and the beast followed me. So I ran back up the stairs and it came after me. I hissed at it like you do a cat and it just stopped and stared at me then kept a-coming. And all I could think of is a series of shots in the stomach and hoping I don't die of my brain pickling. And would my insurance cover that.

Then Ricardo said, why don't you just go back in the house.

Jesus. I think I already have rabies if I couldn't figure that one out.