Observations from a waterpark

This Saturday we went to a waterpark in the north of our state. It's one of these things that has a lazy river, slides, obstacle courses, kiddie/fecal matter pools, lap pools etc. It's great fun for all ages which is why we went because my brother in law and his family had come down from their home to see us and we'd all met at my mother in law's.

Now I'll start by saying that we're not a typical family. First there's the Spanish speaking which is not unusual in this state or this area, but which could have gotten us into terrible trouble since the county where the water park is is trying to get rid of all Hispanics, um, sorry, illegals (just Hispanics). On top of this, my BIL and his wife adopted a baby girl from Ecuador when she and The Kid were about 10 months old (they are three days apart, give or take since no one is really sure when she was born). So José, like Ricardo is married to a Jew from the Northeast. But they have a Native American child. Oh, and their other child? A 15 year old former boy soldier from Sierra Leone who is trying to get asylum to stay in the US. He's awesome. Smart, funny, clever and charming.

So here comes this loud, Spanish/English (Creole, I guess too but only the Boy Soldier speaks that) multi generational family and we're getting a lot of stares. But I kind of don't see why. Because my niece is a very attractive girl, the Boy Soldier is gorgeous, and none of us resembled anything close to the human freak show in attendance at this park.

See the park itself belongs to the county. It's public. And that means that the people who come to it are also the public. And I have this to say. There are some fucking freakish looking people in this world. And seeing them in their bathing suits? Yeah. That doesn't help. Moreover, it seems the more outlandish one person is, the more bizarre their mate is as well.

Couple #1: Skinny skinny little white guy around 48 maybe 50ish. Balding, but with a scraggly, pitiful pony tail which reaches 1/2 way down his back. Sunken chest, chicken skinned flesh. Has not been in the sun in 40 years. But who is he with? A massive woman, with rolls and rolls of blubber wearing a bikini three times too small for her. Now I am not a small woman. I freely admit that. But I also would never dream of wearing a bikini in public. Hence the id picture joke, people. When your stomach rolls over the bikini bottom so that the only fabric visible is from the back end, it is time for a different sartorial choice, woman.

Couple #2: Tandem Tattoos. He is clearly military (what gives it away? The Semper Fi tattoo, of course). She is clearly not a real blond (roots the size of Nebraska). She has an elaborately flourished tattoo on one shoulder of the name Kevin (I hope/assume it's the Marine). On the other arm she has a celtic-like arm band. She has a rose on her low stomach and, wait for it... a butterfly on her hip. He's got a matching arm band although has gone with the more masculine barbed wire, and the forearm of his other arm has a Sacred Heart of Jesus tattoo.

Couple #3: Massive man with a stomach that makes him look like he's 18 months pregnant. But it's not the stomach that is as distracting as the fact that he is liberally furred all over with thick curling hair. The guy looks like he wore a velcro suit to the vet's office and then rolled around on the floor. It's unbelievable! He is with a woman who is waaaaay too old to have a rhinestone belly button ring and who is so deeply tanned that she is in fact leathery looking. Like she's been tanned, not by the sun, but by a professional who plans to use her hide for a nice pair of pumps. She is sporting a pair of fake boobs so stiff that you could hang a winter coat on them, and nails which are long, hot pink, and pierced with a little gold ring and rhinestone. Gorilla man spends his time in the inner tube on the lazy river with his foot hooked into the handle of her tube while she spends most of her time in a cervical tuck, rearranging the expensive cleavage in the shocking pink bikini top so that she (and he) spend most of their time contemplating that particular expenditure.

And people stared at us. I guess we're just as freakish as everyone else.