No, I don't fucking "vale" god damnit!!!

The Spanish have this word, "vale." It means, as far as I can tell, the following:

• ok?
• ok.
• alright.
• alright?
• got it.
• got it?
• understand?
• I understand.
• great!
• let's go
• go now!
• I'm finished with you.
• your time is up.
• get out of my sight.
• you're in the wrong line, asshole.
• what the fuck are you doing back here?
• what is your major malfunction?

The thing is, I don't "vale." And it's their fault. I have reasonably good Spanish. I don't have a lot of comprehension problems really. My productive language is a problem still, but it's not nonexistent. But here's the thing. I've been to and/or spent chunks of time in 10 Spanish speaking countries (11 if you count Miami which Ricardo does) and I don't have difficulty understanding people. OK, a little trouble in the Dominican Republic and Panama, but that is some advanced Spanish.

And put it this way, I nearly cried with joy (literally, tears welled up, and OK I was over tired and jet lagged, but fuck that) when I found myself ordering from the owner at the restaurant a 1/4 block from here. Why? Because she was from Havana and I understood her perfectly. Every. Motherfucking. Word. And she's Cuban.

Yes, that's right. I understand Cubans with little difficulty. But not Madrileños.

When we traveled south to Andalusia, I felt the tides of relief wash over me as I realized that there (perhaps due to the heat? maybe it cools them down?) people actually opened their mouths when they spoke and formed words. I could understand them! Don't get me wrong. Few other tourists could since they dropped every third syllable (not unlike Cubans, frankly). But for one glorious week, I felt like I had a chance to "vale."

But now I am back in Madrid. And once again, I do not "vale." People speak to me and it's like they are speaking a language I have never heard before. Between the bizarre th-like lisping, the fact that no one seems to open their mouths, and the fed-ex man speed of their speech I might as well have moved to Burma. I don't think I have a bat's prayer in hell of learning to speak Spanish well this year because I will be spending all my time just trying to fucking "vale."

Cause right now? Yeah. I don't.