I have a new obsession

Recently, I received a catalog in the mail from a company called, "Touch of Class." I get a lot of catalogs because where I live there are hardly any decent stores and so I shop almost exclusively online or in other places when I go there, which is less often than I'd like. Mostly I throw these things away, and I might have done the same with this catalog, but the name was so very intriguing that I had to delve deeper.

And what a bottomless font it turned out to be!!!

So perhaps the better name is "Not Even One Single Touch of Class." And I do feel slightly guilty about what I am about to blog about because I am fairly certain (like maybe 80%) that my husband's step mother may have items from this company. But I simply cannot help myself! I must share this singular joy with the world.

The "Touch of Class" catalog sells "decor" for your "boudoir." And while it is mass produced, it is also somehow "hand-crafted," "handmade," and "hand-embellished" quite often. I have found myself reading this catalog cover to cover and counting the use of the words "decor," "accent," and "exclusive" just to see what percentage of the entries on any page include them. Here is a particular favorite of mine:

Rose Picture Wall Ornament

Complement a framed picture with this pretty Rose Topper from Glynda Turley. Resin accent has a golden finish; charming accent also has an open rose, smaller buds, and leaves. Beautiful floral-themed accent.

• Accent a framed print or wall art
• Resin rose swag has gold finish

Who is this Glynda Turley? Should I *know* who she is? Does the inclusion of her name somehow make hanging a piece of plastic crap on my wall a "classy" thing to do?

Here's another favorite of mine: The DonaBella Table Sculpture:

Here's the description:

DonaBella Table Sculpture

Taking her pet for a walk along the promenade, DonaBella enjoys the glorious day. Handpainted resin table sculpture features an elegant woman strolling with her greyhound. She wears a dusty aqua dress and broad sun hat.

• Depicts a stylish young woman with greyhound
• Perfect for display on an accent table or shelf
• Handpainted sculpture has feather & jewel accents

First off, I'd like to point out the use of the word "accents" because anything that is not an "accent" is clearly a piece of plastic detritus. And since it is "handpainted" somehow the injection molding that a fifteen year old in China oversaw is erased. And whatever you do, DO NOT miss the "details" sections on these things. They are freaking priceless!

But, now I *beg* you to go and look at this thing. The description is of a lovely woman walking her pet. The picture shows a complete whore out with her dog who I cannot imagine she does what with later when she gets home. The dog's nose is resting on her thigh right where her dress slits up to her poopik. Her "dusty aqua dress" is falling off her shoulders and her head is thrown back as if she were on a Playboy shoot. This is what "stylish" is these days? Is that what the kids are calling it now? The description should include things like "Turnons: long walks on the beach and making out. Turnoffs: Guys who smoke!!!!"

Another favorite element of this catalog is that everything in it is either resin or polyester. Is that why it's only a "Touch of Class?" Because if your entire house is filled with petroleum products you know you'd hit the big leagues?

And all this begs the question of who is buying this shit? Aside from my husband's step mother who may or may not own some resin figures (none of them whoring with pets, I will say in her defense), who buys this so-called "decor?"

Here one can shop for the lovely:

Celine Satin Coverlet, Bedding, & Curtains

Exquisite Celine bed ensemble will add beauty to your boudoir. From a central oval rose bouquet, the quilted coverlet of polyester satin blooms into a charming design. Magnificent roses border lustrous swags. Gathered bedskirt is solid satin with a 15" drop and split corners. Imported.

• Satin bed coverlet
• Vermicelli quilting
• Flip back design
• Available in Pearl, Blue, or Rose
• Touch of Class(R) design

And since it is Grande Size (note the elegant, Frenchified spelling) it will fit even the thickest mattresses (unless they are thicker than 10" because then it won't fit them). And what pray tell is "Vermicelli quilting?" It sounds like a fungus. Or a pasta. But definitely not something I want to sleep in. Is this whole catalog just a series of kinks?

The pages are organized along themes. There are the "Victorian" pages, the "Classic" styles (actually everything is classic in this catalog, and also frequently elegant, which must mean it's not). There are the "Jungle" styles and the "Beach styles." But basically it's all the same, narrated in bizarre prose without subjects most of the time and with odd vocabulary choices meant to sound, I believe the term is "classy."

There is also an endless array of art which must be inspired by Thomas Kinkade (you know, the painter of light?). Here is a piece by my favorite because the name just slays me: Fabrice de Villaneuve:

Normandie I Canvas Art

The quiet scene on the Normandie I Canvas will add a sense of peace to the walls of your home. Wall art features a table, a chair, and potted white florals in a home with a sage green door. Giclee on canvas is hand-embellished with acrylics. Limited edition canvas is signed and numbered.

• Wonderful art for kitchen or breakfast nook
• Limited edition giclee print
• From a Fabrice de Villeneuve original
• Included certificate of authenticity

I guess because it's a limited edition and her name is French it must be something very special indeed. After all, there are only 995 of these! Get 'em while they're hot!

If I were you I would go to this website and sign up for this catalog. I promise if you are anything like me (and for your sake I hope you're not, although there is medication for it), you will find it endlessly amusing.