OK. Here's what's up

Everything I touch seems to turn to shit if it's in my house and costs a buttload of money.

Last week not only did the dryer die, but we once again had some minor flooding with a load of laundry. I realized in retrospect that had the timing worked out we would have been safe for years. But only if the washer flooded at the same time the dryer caught fire. So that was one expense.

The next major fiasco was that on Friday last it was hot. Or at least hot to me in my 1969 ranch house which is not designed to stay cool. Unless it's cold out. Then being cool is what it does best. But I want to be warm.

I digress.

It was hottish (like in the 80s) which meant the house was hottish which meant that I wanted to turn on the AC at least for an hour or two to cool down. So we did.

But nothing happened really. It just got hotter and hotter in the house. The fan blew but it wasn't getting cooler. So Ricardo cleaned the filter of the AC and put it back in. It was fairly nasty so we hoped it would work the next day.

But it didn't. So I wanted to call the AC guys. "You can't do that! If they come on a Saturday it'll be over time!" So I called to find out how much more and when I learned it was only $35 more I had the guy come.

"Well your problem is you don't have one drop of refrigerant in that system," he informed us.
"But if I was you, I wouldn't put any in either. That's a 22 year old system you got there. And the refrigerant is about $100 a pound. You need at least 10 pounds and that's if I can find the leak."

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?

And then he informed us that the refrigerant is so expensive because it's going to be illegal to sell new units that take that kind. It's damaging to the ozone. And that's why it's expensive too.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?

One hour later we were scheduling the installation of a new 3 ton unit for inside and outside. Ouch!

It was the single most expensive 36 hours I've ever had where I did not buy a house, a car, or give birth to a extremely premature infant.

But there was reason to hope. Because on Monday our coffee maker arrived in the mail. I was so excited that I started to kind of skip as I got closer to the box. Which was embarrassing for my son to witness, his mother doing a jig over a coffee maker. But hey, he embarrassed me plenty as a screaming baby. It's payback time now.

We've been without an espresso maker since the middle of February when ours died and when, because it was under warranty, we sent it to Maryland to be repaired. But they didn't do it. And they didn't do it. After 1 month we called them. They hadn't gotten to it. After 6 weeks, Ricardo got hostile with Krups. They agreed to send us a new one.

But they didn't. They sent a reconditioned one. And Monday night, I excitedly unpacked it and set it up, running water through it and salivating at the thought of my fresh latte Tuesday morning.

I'm sure you know where this is headed by now.

It didn't work. And Krups? Yeah, they don't do refunds.

So right now I am sweating outside The Kid's piano teacher's house. It's 89 degrees according to the car's thermometer. I have 12 months to pay off the air conditioner, 18 months to pay off the new washer and dryer, and no coffee maker. My son had to wear a bathing suit (it looks like shorts) to school today because he had no clean underwear and when I get home the house will easily be 85 degrees inside. If I am lucky it will cool down by 1 am. Which is fine, because I'm not working tomorrow. After all, I have to wait at the house for the Washer and Dryer and the AC guys.

OMFGOMFGOMFGOMFG!!!!!!!!

We *now* need a new air conditioning unit. OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had to buy a new washer.

Actually I had to buy a new dryer. Ours won't shut off. And this is a fire hazard. I learned this was a fire hazard when I went to Best Buy yesterday to look at how much these things cost and mentioned my dryer was "on the fritz."

"Oh," said the tatooed hipper than thou employee. "What's wrong with it?"
"It won't shut off."
"Wow, that's really dangerous. It could start a fire."

Actually I kind of knew that because, A. I am not stupid, B. we discovered that when it ran all night, we could make a new duvet out of the produced lint, and C. my mother mentioned it this last weekend when she was here.

I told my mom that the dryer wouldn't shut off. She said, "Wow, that's a huge fire hazard." So I knew.

Yesterday I went to Best Buy to look at washers and dryers but was dazzled by the array of choices. I don't really like that many choices because it's overwhelming. And I needed to get my head around what one needed 14 wash cycles for anyway. And what is a steam dryer? Because isn't the dryer supposed to dry not steam?

My son had spend the night with his other grandmother the day before and when he got home last night, I was chatting with my mother-in-law about my vacation so far. Lame hardly describes it. But at any rate, she asked what I had done that day and I mentioned that I'd gone to Best Buy to look at washers and dryers. She asked why and I replied my dryer was on the fritz.

"What's wrong with it?" she asked but more accented and lilting than you're reading it.
"It won't shut off."
"Que bestia. That can be very dangerous. It's a fire hazard."

Yeah. I get that.

So last night after dinner with a former student of Ricardo's, I subscribed to Consumer Reports to investigate this whole thing. And I found the perfect washer and dryer! They were economical, front loaders, high on energy conservation. Fabulous!

And not available in my podunk, armpit region of the world.

And one wonders why I shop online?

Sooooo, I enlisted the help of The Kid today and after a lazy morning workout (how can one workout lazily? Have you seen the size of me?) and lunch, we hit the stores. First stop was Sears where they had the second choice washer and dryer and they were on sale. But, only 12 months financing and they dinged you $80 for delivery. You could freaking roll them down the hill to our house! $80! Screw that.

So we went to Lowes. They didn't have any of the models we were interested in. And they knew nothing about any of the models they were selling. And only 6 months financing. Plus I hate them.

Then it was back to Best Buy. Free delivery and set up, free haul away, and 18 months financing (which is good because holy fucking God, have you *seen* the cost of these things these days?!). Plus they can deliver them next Friday when I have off. And they were very nice to me. And the taxes from them (not small!) go to our city.

So what have I done with my break? I got an allergy shot, wrote a 70 page review packet of all the state standards k-3 for science and social studies. I worked out twice, did some laundry (but no drying unless I am in the house, because I *hear* it's a fire hazard). I bought some clothes and then returned them. How pitiful is that.

And finally, I need to call out the lurkers here. I know there are a bunch of you now. I am fine with that, but I' like a roll call or something so I know there's some interest of some kind out there. My ego is fragile, don't you know.

Blah!

Blah!  I am beyond tired right now.  And it's probably because I stayed up way late blogging last night and then couldn't fall asleep until way later and then didn't have coffee, because fucking Krups has not replaced my espresso maker, and not even I can face getting up earlier to make it to fucking Starbucks before 7 am.

Oh and we did a massive assed test simulation (which one of my kids referred to as our "stimulation" and which I completely cracked up over) and I had no chance to buy the kids treats last night so I went to CVS this morning and bought all the on sale chocolate bunnies they had and gave them out after the 2 1/2 hour test (who does this to 8 and 9 year olds? Oh that's right, George Fucking Bush).

Oh and Ricardo is out of town and I had to take the Kid to breakfast because I sure as hell wasn't going to scramble eggs this morning, goddamnit!

And also probably because I got to work at 7:15 this morning and then had parent teacher conferences this afternoon and didn't leave until 6:50pm and then had to come home and make dinner and couldn't even find food so settled for hot dogs and french fries which, I am fairly sure is not actually food and still served it to my only child.

And it's raining.

So my solution is to write standing up in the kitchen.  It's painful after standing all day except during conferences where I sat on the little mini fucking third grade chairs so it's keeping me from writing too long.

See?  Problem solved.

I have a new obsession

Recently, I received a catalog in the mail from a company called, "Touch of Class." I get a lot of catalogs because where I live there are hardly any decent stores and so I shop almost exclusively online or in other places when I go there, which is less often than I'd like. Mostly I throw these things away, and I might have done the same with this catalog, but the name was so very intriguing that I had to delve deeper.

And what a bottomless font it turned out to be!!!

So perhaps the better name is "Not Even One Single Touch of Class." And I do feel slightly guilty about what I am about to blog about because I am fairly certain (like maybe 80%) that my husband's step mother may have items from this company. But I simply cannot help myself! I must share this singular joy with the world.

The "Touch of Class" catalog sells "decor" for your "boudoir." And while it is mass produced, it is also somehow "hand-crafted," "handmade," and "hand-embellished" quite often. I have found myself reading this catalog cover to cover and counting the use of the words "decor," "accent," and "exclusive" just to see what percentage of the entries on any page include them. Here is a particular favorite of mine:

Rose Picture Wall Ornament

Complement a framed picture with this pretty Rose Topper from Glynda Turley. Resin accent has a golden finish; charming accent also has an open rose, smaller buds, and leaves. Beautiful floral-themed accent.

• Accent a framed print or wall art
• Resin rose swag has gold finish

Who is this Glynda Turley? Should I *know* who she is? Does the inclusion of her name somehow make hanging a piece of plastic crap on my wall a "classy" thing to do?

Here's another favorite of mine: The DonaBella Table Sculpture:

Here's the description:

DonaBella Table Sculpture

Taking her pet for a walk along the promenade, DonaBella enjoys the glorious day. Handpainted resin table sculpture features an elegant woman strolling with her greyhound. She wears a dusty aqua dress and broad sun hat.

• Depicts a stylish young woman with greyhound
• Perfect for display on an accent table or shelf
• Handpainted sculpture has feather & jewel accents

First off, I'd like to point out the use of the word "accents" because anything that is not an "accent" is clearly a piece of plastic detritus. And since it is "handpainted" somehow the injection molding that a fifteen year old in China oversaw is erased. And whatever you do, DO NOT miss the "details" sections on these things. They are freaking priceless!

But, now I *beg* you to go and look at this thing. The description is of a lovely woman walking her pet. The picture shows a complete whore out with her dog who I cannot imagine she does what with later when she gets home. The dog's nose is resting on her thigh right where her dress slits up to her poopik. Her "dusty aqua dress" is falling off her shoulders and her head is thrown back as if she were on a Playboy shoot. This is what "stylish" is these days? Is that what the kids are calling it now? The description should include things like "Turnons: long walks on the beach and making out. Turnoffs: Guys who smoke!!!!"

Another favorite element of this catalog is that everything in it is either resin or polyester. Is that why it's only a "Touch of Class?" Because if your entire house is filled with petroleum products you know you'd hit the big leagues?

And all this begs the question of who is buying this shit? Aside from my husband's step mother who may or may not own some resin figures (none of them whoring with pets, I will say in her defense), who buys this so-called "decor?"

Here one can shop for the lovely:

Celine Satin Coverlet, Bedding, & Curtains

Exquisite Celine bed ensemble will add beauty to your boudoir. From a central oval rose bouquet, the quilted coverlet of polyester satin blooms into a charming design. Magnificent roses border lustrous swags. Gathered bedskirt is solid satin with a 15" drop and split corners. Imported.

• Satin bed coverlet
• Vermicelli quilting
• Flip back design
• Available in Pearl, Blue, or Rose
• Touch of Class(R) design

And since it is Grande Size (note the elegant, Frenchified spelling) it will fit even the thickest mattresses (unless they are thicker than 10" because then it won't fit them). And what pray tell is "Vermicelli quilting?" It sounds like a fungus. Or a pasta. But definitely not something I want to sleep in. Is this whole catalog just a series of kinks?

The pages are organized along themes. There are the "Victorian" pages, the "Classic" styles (actually everything is classic in this catalog, and also frequently elegant, which must mean it's not). There are the "Jungle" styles and the "Beach styles." But basically it's all the same, narrated in bizarre prose without subjects most of the time and with odd vocabulary choices meant to sound, I believe the term is "classy."

There is also an endless array of art which must be inspired by Thomas Kinkade (you know, the painter of light?). Here is a piece by my favorite because the name just slays me: Fabrice de Villaneuve:

Normandie I Canvas Art

The quiet scene on the Normandie I Canvas will add a sense of peace to the walls of your home. Wall art features a table, a chair, and potted white florals in a home with a sage green door. Giclee on canvas is hand-embellished with acrylics. Limited edition canvas is signed and numbered.

• Wonderful art for kitchen or breakfast nook
• Limited edition giclee print
• From a Fabrice de Villeneuve original
• Included certificate of authenticity

I guess because it's a limited edition and her name is French it must be something very special indeed. After all, there are only 995 of these! Get 'em while they're hot!

If I were you I would go to this website and sign up for this catalog. I promise if you are anything like me (and for your sake I hope you're not, although there is medication for it), you will find it endlessly amusing.